Have you ever felt dry inside, devoid of creativity? Have you been searching for yourself, remembering the “you” you used to be? Has this ever happened while you’re experiencing a vibrant love relationship with Jesus? Sometimes my life looks like this, which causes inward speculation and often leads to frustration. Today I’m finding something else: I’m discovering that it’s ok, that I’m ok—and so are you.
This morning I’m sitting on my front porch—the breeze is rustling the long leaves of the daylilies yet to bloom in front of me. The birds are chirping, they chatter and sing harmoniously with one another. The sky is blue, the air is clear and the sun is shining. It’s practically perfect. I think back to a year ago and the many days I sat outside, working on the first run of the manuscript that would become my book, One Light Still Shines. I found inspiration here, surrounded by creativity from the creator who takes my breath away. This external experience breathed divine life upon my heart. I’ve longed to feel this once again and some days, I’ve wondered if I ever will.
The past season has been hard, a continual up hill climb. Finishing the manuscript has been an amazing journey, but it took every ounce of strength and focus to find the finish line. I’ve attempted to be a good mom, a devoted wife, a supportive daughter and faithful friend in the midst of long days. On top of that, my heart still knows a place of deep, deep sorrow, from the loss of my dad 5 months ago. In the moments when I’ve thought a vibrant part of my ability to live and love, was lost and gone forever, I hear a gentle voice calling gentleness forth from me. Jesus tells me to be patient with myself. He asks me to release myself into this season, without the continual comparison of “last year”. He promises that creativity will return—I will find new revelations of his love and understand new ways to give it away. He always comes and calms my heart. I have felt his peace giving presence over the past months, and I’ve sensed a nearness that continues to solidify deep trust. I know he is redeeming everything. I don’t say this “matter-of-factly”, I say this from the center of my heart. Jesus promises to redeem every broken place within our lives. I choose to believe that he is doing that in mine, even when I don’t see it.
And so, on this day, I simply sit silently and absorb my surroundings. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the porch chair and wait. I attempt to count the number of different birds that have incorporated themselves into this one lively conversation. I breathe deep and allow the creator’s creativity to fill me once again. I hear him speaking tender love, reminding me that quiet rest is a beautiful place.
I feel the winds of change, preparing the way for me to walk into this new season, rekindling a fire in my heart and renewing my mind. New life is coming. I open my eyes in time to see a brilliant yellow butterfly dancing through the yard, the first one I’ve seen this spring. Maybe I’m not as dry as I thought? Maybe I just need to view this season with fresh expectation. My heart knows there are still more undiscovered ways to see Jesus. I can’t wait to find him.