Marie Monville

Celebrating Anyway: Honoring Our Kids’ Unique Journeys

Marie Monville — Thu, 21 Aug 2025 21:54:19 +0000

If you’ve been scrolling through social media lately, you’ve probably noticed the flood of dorm drop-off pictures, packed cars, and emotional “off to college” posts. And if your child isn’t taking that path, it might feel like your family’s missing out on a big rite of passage.

But here’s the truth: you’re not missing out and your child is on a path that’s just as worthy of celebration. Some kids head straight to work, some enroll in trade school, some take time to figure things out — and all of those choices hold value. As parents, we get to champion their courage, their independence, and their willingness to forge their own way.

Non-College Paths After High School Deserve Celebration

Society often puts a college degree on a pedestal. But fulfillment and success don’t live inside a single option. Trades, certifications, businesses, or gap years can be just as meaningful — and in many cases, just as lucrative. When your child chooses differently, it doesn’t mean they’re “falling behind.” It means they’re building a life they’ll love. And isn’t that what we all want for our kids?

Real Paths, Real Wins

Trade schools & apprenticeships: From plumbing to culinary arts to medical imaging, these programs offer hands-on training, faster entry into the workforce, and solid earning potential.

Going straight to work: Early independence builds resilience, responsibility, and practical life skills.

Entrepreneurship: Starting a business, no matter the size, teaches grit and ownership.

Taking time: A gap year can help kids breathe, explore, and figure out what’s next without rushing into something that doesn’t fit.

Military service: Enlisting is a courageous choice that brings discipline, structure, and purpose. It’s a path that asks a lot of our kids — and of us as parents — and it deserves to be honored just as much as any other milestone.

Each of these paths deserves recognition — and yes, even a celebratory post if you want to share one.

How We, as Parents, Can Celebrate Anyway

It’s easy to feel quiet or even hesitant about celebrating non-college milestones. But our kids need us to cheer just as loudly. Here’s how:

Shift the focus: Celebrate certifications, first paychecks, new skills, and milestones outside the classroom.
Keep conversations positive: Ask with curiosity, not comparison.
Mark the moments: A special dinner, a heartfelt letter, a small gathering — these affirmations matter.
Encourage lifelong learning: Remind them that education doesn’t end with high school. Every skill gained is a building block.

Walking Proudly, Even Without the Hashtag

Your child’s journey may not look “Instagram official,” but it is deeply meaningful. By recognizing their steps — big and small — you show them that success isn’t about fitting into one mold. So while the college-bound kids are moving into dorms, you can just as proudly celebrate your child. Different doesn’t mean less. Different means theirs — and that’s something to champion.

For the Parents Sending Kids Off to College (or the Military)

And if you’re a parent who has just dropped your child off at college, or entering boot camp, you may be navigating a different kind of transition — the quiet house, the strange pace of different routines (and fewer dishes), the bittersweet “new normal.” That deserves honoring, too. Whether you’re figuring out how to fill your evenings, relearning what family dinner looks like, or simply sitting with the ache of missing your child, your experience is valid. Just as our kids are stepping into new chapters, we are, too.

For the Parents of Commuters or Kids Staying Home

If your child is commuting to college, working, or staying home while they sort out their next steps, you can still create a sense of “new chapter.” One way we’ve done this in our family is with a room refresh in early September. A few new touches — fresh bedding, a new lamp, or even a small desk makeover — can give their space a “dorm at home” vibe. And here’s a bonus tip: if you wait until after Labor Day, most dorm and back-to-school essentials go on sale. It’s a simple way to mark the transition, give your child a sense of independence, and remind them that their path is just as important.

The Bigger Picture

Every child’s road to adulthood is unique. While college remains a solid route for many, it’s not the only path to a fulfilling life. As parents, our role is to keep showing up — with encouragement, recognition, and love — as they carve out lives that are authentically their own. So go ahead — mark the moment, share the story, or simply look your child in the eye and tell them how proud you are. They deserve it!

Finding Calm and Clarity at the Start of a New Season

Marie Monville — Fri, 15 Aug 2025 19:32:48 +0000

Embracing the New Season: More Than Just Back to School

Every year, late summer slips quietly into fall. The calendar fills with school supply lists, changing schedules, and the first hints of cooler air. For many, this time signals the back-to-school rush. But even for those without kids heading back to the classroom, the shift is real. There’s something about this season—a pause after summer’s activity—that nudges us into a new routine.

The energy changes as vacations wind down and days grow shorter. After the hum of summer, now is a chance to catch your breath. This season invites everyone, not just parents, to pause and look ahead with fresh eyes. You may feel a quiet urge to shift gears, shake up habits, or go after fresh goals. Leaving behind the busyness of summer can bring a sense of space.

Starting a new routine doesn’t have to mean radical change. It can be as simple as waking up a few minutes earlier, trying a new recipe, or repurposing a corner of your home for quiet time. The key is to notice the rhythm change. Let yourself lean into it. Maybe you crave downtime after a packed summer, or maybe you’re itching for the structure school brings—even if no one at your house is loading up a backpack.

This transition offers more than a calendar change. It’s a reset for your mind and body. If you find yourself wanting clarity or a fresh start, now is the perfect time. Ask yourself: How could this season bring you the space you need?

The Importance of Starting from a Place of Calm

Before making any plans or jumping into new routines, start from calm. It sounds simple, but our days often throw us straight into action. It’s easy to march from one task to the next without taking a moment to regroup. That quick pace might get things done, but it rarely leaves room for peace or clear thinking.

Building calm into your routine can slow the swirl. When you choose calm as your base, you cut out some noise and distractions that keep you from making better choices. Many find that taking a few minutes for quiet or breathing helps settle the mind, opening the way for real clarity.

Benefits of finding calm:

Reduces stress and lowers anxiety
Sharpens focus for better decision-making
Supports overall emotional and physical health
Makes it easier to handle changes in daily plans
Strengthens resilience during tough seasons

Think about what happens when you run on autopilot, moving from one thing to the next. Without space to breathe and pause, tension builds. Your brain can get stuck on problems or frustration. Over time, the stress leaks into other areas, making friendly conversations almost nonexistent or shrinking your patience.

Our culture rewards busyness. But what if you challenged that? What if, instead, you chose calm first and then let your actions follow? Let your new routine start from a place of peace—not pressure. Even five minutes of calm in the morning can set up your whole day differently.

“You have to give yourself some space before you can see what’s next.”

Start your week by asking: What would change if I began by relaxing?

Reflecting on Relaxation: What Does It Really Feel Like?

It’s easy to say, “I need to relax.” But do you know what relaxation feels like for you? Many adults find this question hard to answer. Most of us can name stress quickly, but the last real moment of calm or pure relaxation? That’s tougher.

What does it feel like for you to relax? Maybe your shoulders drop. Your breathing gets slower. Your stomach unknots, and your thoughts slow down. These moments are different for everyone, but the effect is always softer and gentler.

When was the last time you genuinely felt relaxed? Think about that moment. Was it during a quiet walk, after finishing a good book, or in the middle of a favorite hobby? Pinpointing these pockets of peace can help you repeat them.

If you struggle to recall, that’s okay. Try this:

Take five minutes each night to jot down anything that felt calming in your day.
Look for patterns or triggers in your journal entries.
Note what activities, people, or places seem to help you settle.

Recognizing relaxation is important for well-being. When you know what calm feels like, you can work to find it again. You can also notice faster when it’s missing.

Quote to remember: “It all starts with knowing what relaxed feels like before you can return to it.”

Understanding the Opposite: Recognizing When We’re Not Relaxed

Awareness is powerful. Sometimes, to understand how important this space is, you must notice its absence. Stress shows up in our bodies and minds as tension, restlessness, or even physical pain.

If you can’t remember the last time you felt relaxed, think instead about stress. When did you last feel tense or overwhelmed? These signs might not be dramatic, but they are clues your mind and body need a break.

Common signs you’re not relaxed:

Racing thoughts that won’t slow down
Tight shoulders, clenched jaw, or a stiff neck
Short temper or irritability with others
Feeling restless or unable to sit still
Trouble falling or staying asleep
Rushing from one task to the next, even when you don’t need to
Distractibility or trouble focusing

Noticing these feelings doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It’s an invitation. By paying attention, you give yourself the chance to choose a different way. Sometimes, naming the problem is the first and most important step toward change.

Try checking in with yourself. When you spot these signals, don’t power through. Instead, take a pause. Even just standing up, looking out a window, or taking a few deep breaths can help.

Understanding your own symptoms of stress can help you respond with more kindness and patience. Over time, this awareness builds a natural path back to calm.

Practical Steps to Transition into a New Routine with Peace

Moving from a busy summer into a calm fall doesn’t have to be complicated. Small, regular actions make a bigger impact than sweeping changes. Think simple, repeatable, and kind.

“Start where you are, and let peace set your next step.”

To help yourself move into a clearer, calmer routine, try the following steps:

Step-by-Step Guide for a Peaceful Transition

Pause first
Each morning, take three to five deep breaths before anything else.
Notice your needs
Ask yourself: What would feel peaceful or inspire moments of calm today? Listen to the answer.
Plan with intention
Pick only one or two important things to focus on each day. Don’t overload.
Find pockets of rest
Schedule short periods (even 5 minutes) where you put away screens and sit quietly.
Get moving
Walk, stretch, or simply change your scenery midday. Gentle movement supports relaxation and focus.
Practice self-compassion
If your routine falls apart, don’t judge. Recognize the setback and reset tomorrow.
Celebrate wins
Notice and savor small moments of calm or success, no matter how tiny.

These steps can help you move through the start of a new season without feeling rushed or scattered. If it helps, write your own version of these steps and keep it somewhere you’ll see it each day.

Flexibility is key. Some days will go smoothly, others will not. The goal is not perfection, but more peace.

Reflective Prompts to Guide Your Transition

Are you taking space to relax?
What signals tell you it’s time to pause?
How can you build calm into your everyday routine?

Keep these questions handy. Write them on a sticky note or in a journal. Refer to them as a gentle nudge toward more awareness and ease in your days.

Key Insights and Takeaways

A new routine signals a chance for a personal reset. You don’t need school-age kids to benefit from this kind of shift.
Calm is the best starting place. Planning actions is more clear and less overwhelming when grounded in peace.
Identifying both relaxation and its opposite builds self-awareness. Know what both feel like in your own life.
Simple steps make a difference. Pausing before acting, noticing tension, and allowing rest helps ease transitions.
Self-compassion and flexibility matter. Not every day will be perfect, but each day can offer an opportunity for calm.

Resources

For further reading on calm routines and self-reflection, consider:

“Atomic Habits” by James Clear (for building small habits)
The Calm app or Headspace (for guided mindfulness practices)
Guided journaling tools or blank notebooks

Action Steps

Start your day with three to five slow breaths.
Plan for one or two key tasks instead of filling your agenda.
Use a journal to track small moments of peace or tension.
Give yourself permission to pause, even for a minute.
Check in regularly with the reflective prompts listed above.

Conclusion: Creating Space for Calm and Clarity

The start of a new season is a natural point for reflection. Take this opportunity, whether your life follows the school-year rhythm or not. Let calm be your foundation, even as things get busy again. Recognize both relaxation and stress and trust yourself to respond with care. Use simple steps and forgiving routines to shift into the fall with greater clarity.

Keep the helpful questions close to you. Let them nudge you toward more peace, clarity, and, above all, kindness to yourself in the weeks ahead.

Your new routine begins with one moment of calm. Make space for it—you deserve the reset.

What does calm look like for you in this season of life? And what’s one small change you could make this week to create more of it?

If you’re ready to start building more space for peace—without waiting for “perfect” conditions—listen to this week’s To Help You Heal episode: Making Space. We’ll walk through practical ways to find your own pockets of calm and set the stage for what’s next.

Let Them Watch: Growing Past Judgment and Into Purpose

Marie Monville — Wed, 16 Jul 2025 14:07:14 +0000

Let Them Watch: Growing Past Judgment and Into Purpose

Have you ever felt that quiet resistance when you’re on a path of growth?

Not outright disapproval—but a subtle shift. The kind that shows up in silence where there used to be support, or in a tone that makes you second-guess your excitement. Maybe no one says anything at all, but you still feel it—the pause, the pullback, the sense that your growth is unsettling something.

It’s not always dramatic. Sometimes it’s just the quiet ache of realizing that not everyone is meant to walk with you into what’s next.

Some will watch from a distance. Some might speak their doubts. But no matter how it comes, the question eventually surfaces:

Will I let their opinions hold me back?

Or will I continue to grow into the purpose that’s alive within me?

If you’ve felt this tension, friend, you’re not alone.

I’ve lived it. I am living it.

The Weight We Carry

Looking back over the last 20 years, I see it clearly now. I’ve carried other’s opinions, fear, and discomfort with my change. I wore their words like a backpack and never took it off.

And maybe you have too.

It’s easier to brush off comments from strangers. However, when criticism comes from people close to us—family, friends, or mentors—it sticks and it sinks in.

And then it can start to sound like our own voice.

That’s where the real danger lies. Because when their doubts blend with our inner critic, it doesn’t just echo—it directs. It slides into our decisions, our confidence, and our courage, especially when we’re standing on the edge of something big.

The Turning Point

But here’s what I’ve come to know—deeply know:

I don’t need anyone’s permission to live a purpose-driven life.

I don’t need their approval to follow where God leads.

And I certainly don’t need their comfort to chase what lights me up.

It’s taken time, but I’ve learned to close the window. Let them watch from the outside if they want. I don’t have to invite them in. I don’t have to let their judgment define me. I get to choose.

I can even give them grace. Because they’re imagining what it would feel like to walk my road—but they haven’t taken a single step in my shoes. They don’t know the cost. And in some ways, I’m glad they don’t.

Growth Always Shifts the Ground

Here’s what I’ve noticed: every significant step I’ve taken toward healing, purpose, and growth has triggered resistance. Every time I moved closer to God’s calling, the noise got louder.

Marrying Dan
Writing One Light Still Shines
Speaking my story publicly
Adopting our son

Each moment was a milestone, and each one was met with unsolicited opinions.

I’m grateful I didn’t let those voices win. But I also know they left residue. So now, I’m doing the work of untangling those words from my identity.

Here’s how.

5 Ways I’m Letting Go of Others’ Opinions

Letting go isn’t just a one-time decision; it’s a continuous process. It’s a daily act of awareness, healing, and faith. Here’s what’s helping me:

1. I call it out and replace it with truth.

When I feel the disapproval I pause. I remind myself: I don’t need approval. That’s fear whispering. And I go back to what God says about me, my goals for this season, and the purpose I’m passionate about.

2. I revisit the evidence.

I remember the fruit. The lives touched. The doors opened. How alive I feel when I follow God’s lead. That evidence is stronger than their opinions.

3. I set boundaries in love.

Some people no longer get front-row access. I can love them without letting them speak into my purpose.

4. I protect my mind.

I limit the noise and turn up the truth. Scripture, worship, wise counsel—these are the voices I hold close.

5. I move forward anyway.

Even when doubt whispers, I take the next step. Momentum drowns out insecurity.

What Real Friendship Looks Like

Not all feedback is hurtful. Some of it is holy.

Because real friends don’t flinch when you grow—they cheer. They tell you the truth, yes—but with love, not condemnation. Your healing or purpose doesn’t threaten them. They champion it.

They remind you who you are when you forget.

They show up when you’re struggling and when you’re soaring.

They want God’s best for you—even if it means you outgrow old roles or rhythms.

If you have those people, lean into them.

And if you’re still searching, don’t settle. The right community won’t just accept your growth—they’ll amplify it.

You Don’t Need Permission to Grow

If any of this hits home, let me say this:

You don’t need their permission to keep going.

You don’t need their applause to be obedient.

You are already enough. And this world needs you.

Let them watch.

But don’t let them lead.

Run towards the life that sets your soul on fire.

Let’s Talk:

Have you ever struggled with letting go of someone else’s voice?

What helped you take a step forward?

I’d love to hear what this stirred in you—your story, your place of struggle, and your breakthrough.

Finding Comfort through Prayer (Mother’s Day Grief)

Marie Monville — Wed, 15 May 2024 16:43:14 +0000

When Mother’s Day Is Painful

“Did you have a nice Mother’s Day?” I’ve heard that question often this week, and you probably have, too. But sometimes there isn’t an easy answer, especially if your Mother’s Day didn’t feel like a Hallmark holiday, because sometimes we’re in the middle of circumstances that are far from what we imagined. In the moments of recognition that “this isn’t what it’s supposed to be“, we can feel isolated by our differences and devastated by our reality. This place where we envisioned joy and fulfillment can bring deep (and often unexpected) pain. Few women talk about this side of motherhood at Mother’s Day. When you scroll through social media around these types of holidays, it looks like everyone else has a picture-perfect family and Instagram-worthy celebration. When our world doesn’t match what we see, we can experience an additional layer of pain. And the hard part is that we can’t control any of it. But while we can’t change our circumstances, we can find healing and comfort through prayer.

Through my experiences, I’ve realized that far more women know the pain of Mother’s Day than we see on social media. When we are grieving or going through a difficult time, we keep it to ourselves because it stands in opposition to the societal implications of this day. There are many reasons for our pain: we’ve lost (or become separated) from our mother, we want (but do not have) a child, we’re experiencing relational strain (with a mother or child), our child has died, or maybe the path of mothering has left us with a heavy heart.

You’re Not Alone

If these scenarios apply, I want you to know you’re not alone. In our place of grief or identification of loss, there is One who knows our pain, and He carries it within his heart. God feels our pain. His arms of love enfold us because He is the God of all comfort. When we go through times of trouble, He walks with us along every path, each step of the way. I can tell you this because I’ve walked a journey of grief and know the deep pain of loss. My first daughter was born at 26 weeks of pregnancy and died 20 minutes after her birth. From the time I was a child, I had dreamed of becoming a mother, but I never envisioned my pregnancy ending in such a profound loss.

The death of a child is all-encompassing. It affects our present moment and every plan. While pregnant, we imagine the color of their hair and eyes. We wonder how tall they will be and if they will look more like their father or mother. But we don’t think about coming home from the hospital without them; we don’t imagine Mother’s Day as a grieving mother.

I remember the agony of that season. I couldn’t envision surviving the loss of my daughter. Mother’s Day came six months after her death, and I wanted to pretend it didn’t exist. On that Sunday, I stayed home from church. I couldn’t face the other mothers and how our church would honor them. It’s not that I was jealous; it’s just that grief is a journey, and I was still finding my way through.

Finding Your Way Through Grief

Grief is more than physical loss. Mother’s Day can inflict feelings of grief for many different reasons. And contrary to previous beliefs, we now know that there aren’t systematic stages of grief. Grief is not linear, and we navigate it best when we are gentle with ourselves. You’ll find more on giving yourself grace while grieving in my post: Understanding Grief & Giving Grace When It’s Not Linear.

Grief is inconvenient; sometimes, we see it coming, and other days, it sneaks up when we least expect it, but just as grief comes, so does God. I’ve found God in the lonely moments of my sorrow, and He’s carried me through each season. It was more difficult to see Him amid my grief when I lost my first daughter. It was the first time I’d ever gone through a personally profound loss. I had to learn to find Him. I wanted to find Him, but some days, it was hard to see through the pain.

As I sought him out, I heard His subtle whispers, felt His presence in the beauty of ordinary moments, and saw the reminders of His love for me. In that first grief season, I asked Him many questions but received few answers. I also fought against my reality. I didn’t want “this”. I wanted a child. I wanted answers. Why was this happening to me? And the harder I fought, the more I felt frustrated. But then I realized God was inviting me into a season of healing and discovery instead of simply giving me all the answers I thought I needed.

Finding God in Grief

I saw God differently through that season. While I always believed His plan was redemption (we see that in the life of Jesus), I started to find His redemption in my season of loss. It happened when I stopped trying to fight against my reality. (It was as if I stopped fighting Him.) I let go of my desire for control. I felt God asking me to open my hands and release the things I’d held on to for so long (my desire for a child). As I opened my hands, my heart opened too, and I started to tell God anything (and everything).

Through our constant conversation, I realized He was always with me, and I was comforted. While my circumstances didn’t change, I changed. And that’s what prayer does—it changes us. My perspective shifted. Relinquishing my desire for control brought freedom. I found life in this place of surrender. Often, we think of surrender as giving up, but surrendering to God is different. As we surrender, we acknowledge who He is (loving, faithful, constant, redeemer) and stand by faith that He’s at work even when we can’t see it (yet). It wasn’t enough for me to surrender once; it was a daily challenge. And some days, it was easier than others. This simple but complex decision changed everything. I no longer tried to control my circumstances and make life work as I wanted. Instead, what I desired most was to see God at work in my life. He gave me places of purpose even in circumstances I did not like.

Learning to Surrender

If you’re feeling the weight of grief or discouragement in your current season, I invite you to let go of the things you desperately want to control. Open your hands and surrender them to God. Maybe you’re here because you’re dealing with the loss of a child or the loss of a mother, or perhaps you haven’t experienced the joy of mothering the precious child you long to hold. There is freedom waiting for you on the other side of this decision. As you let go of the desire for control, you’ll also release the pain, disappointment, and discouragement you feel right now.

Jesus is our source of comfort. You don’t have to know how it will work, and you don’t need to see the entire process laid out systematically before you. All that’s required now is a willingness to take the first step. Prayer is, at its core, a conversation between us and God. If you have a complicated history with prayer or feel like it’s a place of disconnection, let’s lay aside the past to embrace a different perspective. We can find comfort through prayer. It draws us closer and is where we pour out the pain in our hearts. Prayer is a source of strength in our darkest hours. It’s a powerful tool as we walk through a difficult season.

Comfort Through Prayer

Join me in the following prayer: “God, I come to you with weariness from my present circumstances. I’m frustrated with all I’m holding right now. When I look across the landscape of my life, I feel discouraged by the battles I’ve faced, the places where I feel like I’ve lost, and the many obstacles that lie ahead. I want more than “this”. But I can’t do it on my own. And as much as I feel stuck in this moment, God, I believe you are good and have good plans for my future. I embrace the words You spoke through Jeremiah (29:11-14), I believe you have “plans to give me the future that I’ve hoped for, that you listen to me, and that when I look, I’ll find you“ (The Message). I place my hope in Your unfailing love; help me to find Your comfort and renewal. God, I’m looking for you, calling to you, and searching for you. Meet me in this moment and help me see more than the circumstances I’m walking through right now. You are the God of all comfort. Please hold me in your loving arms and comfort me now. God, I open my hands and surrender. Show me the way through this season of mourning; help me find moments of joy as I walk through the coming days.“

There’s no pressure to say “the right words,“ if a more traditional prayer works for you, then embrace it—sit quietly and focus on God. But if you want to go outside, take a walk, and talk with God, just like you would with friends or family members, give yourself the grace to pray that way. You can begin by saying “Dear God or Father God,“ you can close in “Jesus’ name,“ or you can keep it more casual and focus on the sincerity of conversational, heartfelt prayers. What you say isn’t as important as expressing your thoughts and feelings. And God’s presence is with you whether you say your prayer out loud or within your heart. He is the God of all comfort and brings comfort through prayer. God bends his ear close, and he listens to you. He has compassion for you and is even more attentive than you would be to a grieving friend.

Surrounding Yourself With Support

And friend, if you’re traveling this path of sorrow, I encourage you to reach out to your friends, family, coach, or counselor. We need additional support when we are walking through the darkness of grief. We need someone to help light the way for us. Please share this article with them and allow them to step into a place of practical help and emotional support. When we talk about the reality of our heavy burdens with another, they don’t have to fix it; they don’t need to tell us how to find our way through; instead, the power of sharing our struggles means that we do not carry them alone.

If you’re reading this because a friend shared it with you, thank you for holding your dear friend’s heart so close. You are living proof of God’s goodness, and your presence is powerful. Just by sitting in this space with them, you are a guiding light, bringing divine comfort to their weary soul.

Grief is not the end of the story. It’s not the end of my story, and it’s not the end of yours. The darkest moments of my life have birthed a legacy through my life. For more, listen to Episode 20 from my podcast, To Help You Heal.

Your feelings about Mother’s Day are valid and shared by many, even if they’re left unspoken. If you find yourself wrestling with sorrow, reach out—you are not alone. Together, we can redefine this day not just as one of celebration but as one of understanding and mutual support. Let us make room for every story, tear, and laugh, giving grace for the ways we experience love and loss. In sharing our stories, we find strength and healing along the way.

Understanding Grief & Giving Grace When It’s Not Linear

Marie Monville — Fri, 15 Dec 2023 01:15:49 +0000

Grief is complicated, and the grieving process can feel more difficult during the holidays. For me, the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas often bring unexpected reminders of loss. And I don’t know why it surprises me. Loss is an inevitable part of life, and so is grief. But often, we want to attach time limits or set timeframes on our emotions, or only engage them when it’s convenient. But grief doesn’t work that way.

In 1997, I lost my first daughter at 26 weeks of pregnancy; she was born premature and died in my arms 20 minutes after her birth. In 2006, my first husband committed the Amish schoolhouse shooting. Within a few hours, I went from the everyday predictability of life as a stay-at-home mom to the unknown as a widowed single parent. And then, in 2011, I lost my father after his eight-month battle with lung cancer. I hold a bachelor’s degree in psychology and have spent much time studying the impact of trauma. I understand grief from a personal and professional standpoint.

Here is what I know: grief is not linear. It comes when we least expect it and usually when it’s inconvenient. Contrary to previous beliefs, there isn’t a path of predictable stages—a more individualized view of the grieving process has replaced the Kubler-Ross model. While you may feel anger, denial, acceptance, times of bargaining, depression, guilt, and other emotions, they will ebb and flow and sometimes come back after you thought you had already worked through them. And this understanding gives us grace for our process because there isn’t a wrong way to grieve. Your way is the right way.

Often, the most intense part of the grieving process lasts six to twelve months, while everyday grief experiences can last through the first two years. We may feel like we’ve lost our sense of purpose, have an aversion to activities we once enjoyed, feel numb, have trouble embracing the reality of life without our loved one, and experience times of intense emotion. We’ll have good days and bad days. This is normal.

Common Misconceptions About Grief

Some say that time heals all wounds, but this isn’t true. Grief doesn’t get easier as time passes. Instead, we learn how to navigate life without the person we’ve lost. We’ve never done life this way before, and it is hard. We find ourselves wanting to call them on the phone, send a text, or we think about something we want to say the next time we see them. And then reality comes crashing back in, reminding us that these conversations won’t happen.

My dad passed away on Christmas Eve morning, almost eleven years ago. And in the following season, I had to learn how to live without him. I was used to talking to my dad daily and visiting him several times each week. We had a close relationship, and it was hard to think about the reality of this new version of my life.

It was a gradual letting go, and some days were easier than others. I wanted to hold tight to my dad’s presence, his memories—his love. I didn’t want to accept the reality that he was gone. And nothing was healing about the passage of time. In the years since his death, I’ve gotten better at living without him. I’ve “built these muscles,” after eleven years of practice, I can acknowledge that it’s not as hard as it was those first few years.

But sometimes, the comments we hear from others cause us to question ourselves. They infer that we should be “back to normal,” when it’s hard to find normal again. They want to place a time frame on our process. And it causes us to question if we’re doing it the wrong way, but the truth is, they may not have first-hand experience with this type of loss. Or our grief may trigger a memory that causes them pain.

Throughout the first year, we’re embracing the birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries we once shared with the person we’ve lost. And within each “celebration” is the reminder that this new reality is painful.

Giving Grace While Grieving

And the most important thing we can do is give ourselves grace for this season. Grace looks like scaling back our expectations, embracing our emotions, and telling ourselves we’re doing it correctly. Giving grace means mourning traditions while embracing new ones, allowing ourselves to feel both happy and sad simultaneously, and creating boundaries when necessary. In our grief journey, we need a support system. We need friends and family members we can count on to help us through the hard days.

It’s okay if you’re stuck in grief and didn’t put up your Christmas tree this year. It’s okay to avoid certain traditions or people because you don’t want to deal with additional layers of pain. You will not look back and feel like you should’ve kept the traditions. Instead, as you learn to give yourself grace, you can look back and know that this was a different kind of year, where you prioritized your emotional well-being. And that’s a good thing.

You’re not weak or broken, and you will find your way through. But your path is uniquely yours. You can gather suggestions and perspectives from those who’ve walked a similar grief path, but your journey won’t look exactly like theirs. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all program for grief recovery. You can choose what this looks like, and your choices may vary daily.

Along Your Grief Journey

Each day, you’re choosing to do your best with what you have. Your best today will undoubtedly feel different than your best tomorrow. And just because you had a good day today doesn’t guarantee a good one tomorrow. But as you allow yourself the space (and grace) necessary to process your loss, you will heal. And as tempting as it is to try to push the feelings aside and pretend it doesn’t matter, avoidance won’t lead to healing. It only delays the inevitable. And if we try to dismiss our pain, it usually leaks over into other areas of our life, and we take it out on those we love.

If I could go back to my first loss (the loss of my daughter), I’d tell myself that this would be one of the most painful seasons of life, and there would be days that I’d feel like I wasn’t going to make it. But the best way through the pain is to allow someone else to walk with me. One close (trustworthy) friend or family member makes a huge difference. Because as we share with them, we’re no longer the only one carrying the load.

Resources To Help You Heal

So, friend, if you’re walking a grief path this season, ask someone to walk with you. Invite them into your journey and remind them that you’re not asking them to fix it; you simply need them to listen. Talk about the person you’ve lost, find meaningful ways to honor their memory, and give yourself grace for each moment.

Grief shows us that we’re still alive inside, and it honors the legacy of the one we lost. They mattered. As we embrace the grieving process, we will find healing.

You can find additional insights on grief through my podcast and book entitled, To Help You Heal. Look for podcast Episodes 21 & 22 focused on dealing with grief. You can find To Help You Heal (podcast) on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you like to listen to podcasts, as well as my website. You’ll find the book on Amazon, or grab a signed copy from my website! If you need help walking through your grieving journey, send me a message. I’d love to support you!

You’re not alone.

Three Simple Steps that Will Change How You See Yourself!

Marie Monville — Thu, 17 Aug 2023 20:29:54 +0000

Today I want to help you think about the way you love yourself. What are things you do that identify your value? We don’t focus on this subject very often; instead, we determine our value based on what we’ve accomplished. We tell ourselves, “I’ll take a break when I finish my list, or once I cross off everything, I can have a few minutes to read or do something I enjoy.” And then we feel frustrated when we do not meet our expectations.

What if we approached it differently? This week on the podcast, I’m talking about love, specifically, what it means to love ourselves, how our choice to love ourselves impacts the kind of love we want from others, and how we can lower the walls around our hearts and let God love us. (If you struggle with approval addiction or the feeling that it’s hard to let God love you because you’re so used to fighting for yourself or doing everything on your own, I think you’ll find a sense of camaraderie by spending 10 minutes with me.)

Here’s the thing. We have value and worth, not for what we do, but for who we are. And we have to choose to see it, embed that truth in our brain, and then act on it. Otherwise, we can end up in a cycle of approval addiction, disqualifying compliments, and feeling like we’ll never measure up.

So, what does it look like to love yourself? It starts with identifying and acknowledging the good God places inside of you. It includes the willingness to give yourself grace instead of mandating unreasonably high expectations and incorporates meaningful downtime activities.

And we can accomplish this in three simple steps:

1. Acknowledge your goodness- what are the unique qualities God placed inside you?

2. Review your expectations- are they reasonable? Would you expect a friend to achieve/accomplish the same?

3. Schedule downtime every week- block out at least 2-3 15-minute segments on your calendar when you can do WHATEVER you want!

Need some help with this? Send me a message.

With purpose,

Marie

Purpose: Updates and Opportunities!

Marie Monville — Mon, 22 May 2023 23:17:26 +0000

It’s been a while. I shared this through my email newsletter last week and thought I’d share here, in case you aren’t subscribed to the newsletter. (Sign up here.)

Here’s my backstory. You may (or may not) know that my first husband was the man who committed the Amish Schoolhouse Shooting in 2006 (read more here). Walking through those days and that season changed me. But not in the ways you might imagine. As I journeyed through trauma and brokenness, my relationship with God deepened and he met me in a profound way forever changing my life. I felt him with me. He was closer than I ever experienced before the tragedy, and I felt surrounded by his care.

I became a stronger version of myself. I saw the world through a fresh perspective, and I felt infused with determination to help my children heal and live a life not defined by my husband’s choices.

And I have.

In May, 2007, I married my second husband, Dan. And there truly aren’t words to describe how amazing he is and how much he loves me. He knows just when (and how) to encourage me. He makes me laugh (usually when I’m too serious and intense), and he balances out my lack of patience with his nearly endless supply.

In the years since 2007, we’ve experienced highs and lows. We lost my dad to lung cancer, I published my first book (One Light Still Shines), and we adopted our youngest son. I’m grateful for the life we’ve built together, and the way God has carried us through it all.

But perhaps the past few years have been some of the most transformative yet. As 2019 ended, and I looked ahead to 2020, I felt God whisper “college”. (I’ll save the specifics of that story for another day, but it proves to me that God has a sense of humor.) I spent the next two and a half years pushing through 6 classes each semester (year-round). I graduated in 2022 Summa Cum Laude, with a degree in Organizational Behavior (psychology for the workplace), from Immaculata University.

During the pandemic I started my coaching business. I love helping women to rediscover the purpose, identify small steps that help them achieve their goals, and cultivate a life they love (regardless of circumstance).

Last fall I wrote a book, To Help You Heal (Transform your life through the partnership of faith, psychology, and grit.) It’s releasing this fall, and I can’t wait to share more with you in an upcoming email.

On an average week you’ll find me coaching the women in my membership and programs, working with organizational clients to strengthen their workplace culture, and speaking to various groups across the country. And of course, I’m soaking up the conversations with my (now older) kids, time with my husband, sticky kisses from my three-year-old grandson and snuggles with my four-month-old granddaughter.

I love my life. And there’s never been a time when I’ve felt more alive than this season. I cherish the conversations that help others gain clarity, reduce distraction, and help them live life on purpose!

Each Thursday you’ll find me popping in with a message that will help you do the same. In celebration of this email launch, I’m offering an opportunity to Reset Your Purpose through a (FREE) 30–45-minute conversation with me. There are only 2 sessions left! Once they are booked, the link will expire. (These sessions are intended for those who have not had a free session with me previously.)

Zoom sessions for anyone regardless of location.

Walks for Wellness on my favorite path (the one you’ve seen in my stories) if you’re local to Lancaster, PA.

Coffee Chats at my favorite local coffee shop (Strasburg, PA).

If you’re stuck, tired, or simply want more from your life now, grab one of the sessions through this link. You’ll come away feeling lighter, brighter, renewed with clarity, and clear on your direction.

I’d love to hear about you, what’s new in your life, and what you need most right now.

Send me a message (I read all of them.)

Unwanted, But Beautiful: Finding Hope

admin — Mon, 17 Aug 2020 14:39:03 +0000

Do you believe that God is for you? That he is at work in the unwanted difficulties of your life, and that he’s crafting something beautiful with them? Are you confident in his love for you? Joseph knew God like this.

We don’t want the trials Joseph experienced. A life where we wake up every day amid brokenness and disappointment. A place where we must choose to walk out what God already called us to do. (You can read more about that in last week’s post.)

But that’s what he’s asking. Instead, God is calling us to know him, and not in the way where our circumstances dictate our belief in his love. Instead, it’s based on knowing that he loves us, that he is for us, and that he is working through every single thing.

That kind of belief moves me. It opposes my complacency, my procrastination, my worries, and my weaknesses. It’s like a billboard with flashing lights on a dark night drive down the highway. It’s the sign that you kind of want to say you didn’t see, but there was no way you could miss it. It’s larger than life because it’s the key to so much of what we want, but do not get.

I kind of doubt that Joseph hated his life. His life was hard. It was unfair, but he made the best of it. And he found beauty in the places everyone else would have discounted. Joseph moves from the prison to second in command over all Egypt (catch the full story in Genesis 39-41). This happens in a matter of moments. It’s stunning redemption.

In the days after, Joseph marries and has two sons. Their names point to the deep healing Joseph experienced over the years of his captivity.

Joseph named his oldest son Manasseh (meaning “Made to Forget”—what he meant was that God had made up to him for all the anguish of his youth, and the loss of his father’s home). 52 The second boy was named Ephraim (meaning “Fruitful”—“For God has made me fruitful in this land of my slavery,” he said). (TLB Genesis 41:51-52)

This healing wasn’t based on his promotion from the dungeon to the palace, it went deeper than that. It overtook his life. God overcame the trouble. If God can do that with the substance of Joseph’s life, he can do it in yours and mine. And when we find him in something that we didn’t think we wanted it changes everything. Something profound happens when God touches our pain. He speaks in quiet whispers. His presence conveys the way he sees you. And his love changes the way we see our world.

I can say this because I see what God did for Joseph, and I know what he’s done for me. But I know that sometimes it’s hard to grasp. If you need some help to find God like this, message me (marie@mariemonville.com).

Joseph Part 4: Not Going According to Plan? Stay Focused.

admin — Thu, 13 Aug 2020 15:49:16 +0000

If you’ve been following along the past few weeks, you know that I’m talking about Joseph this summer. His story is remarkable, both in the devastation he experienced, and the majestic redemption God unfolded. How in the world did he stay focused? But don’t take my word for it, open your Bible (or read/listen to your favorite version online), you’ll find him in Genesis 37.

As a child, he had a dream that his family bowed down to him. When he told them about the dream, his brothers’ were furious–they already hated him. His father seemed to doubt the vision. And Joseph’s life doesn’t seem to reflect the substance of that dream. He was betrayed and sold into slavery by his older brothers. And while he was in Egypt things went from bad to worse. Although he worked hard and honored his master, he was falsely accused of attempting to rape his master’s wife. He was sent to prison. It’s unfathomable.

I wonder what Joseph thought about his life as he sat in that cell. Did he feel sorry for himself? Were there moments when the brokenness overwhelmed him? I think we could say that in our human mind, we’d give Joseph some hours (or days) where he had permission to sit on the couch with some Starbucks, binge watch Netflix, and forget how unfair his life had become. But he doesn’t do that. Yeah, I know Starbucks and Netflix weren’t options, but I don’t think he chose anything close to an applicable equivalent.

Stay focused.

Joseph was all-in to the plan–the dream that God had given. He didn’t seem to be side-tracked by the specifics of his life—the slavery, the lies, the blame, and the prison. It’s as if he’d had this conversation with the Lord, where God said to him, “Joseph, I want you to work every day as if you’re working for me and not the people around you. And I’m serious. Because when you work for me, I pay in rewards that are not calculable. I will bless you. I will reward you, but it won’t look the way you might expect. I’m asking you to trust me. You’ll see it in small ways every day that turn into big things as the seasons unfold. And you don’t want to miss what I’ve got. You don’t want to miss what I’ve planned. I know that these little steps won’t seem to make sense. The day-to-day reality won’t seem to mesh with the overall vision, but trust me, it will. I just need you to remember this truth, every day you’re working for me.”

And Joseph just takes that conversation at 100% face value and walks it out. He lives like that every single day. He takes the brokenness to God, and allows God to heal him. But he doesn’t allow the pain to destroy his dream. It’s factual truth to him. One day his family will bow down at his feet. He doesn’t question it; he doesn’t think about any other option, he doesn’t vacillate on the basic of God’s truth vs. his feelings. He doesn’t get trapped feeling sorry for himself. He simply walks it out.

His story inspires me. It draws me. It speaks to me and calls out my brokenness. And it reminds me that the details I can see do not prove, or disprove, God’s love for me. I don’t want to waste my future feeling sorry about my past. I must simply make the choice to trust, and walk it out every single day as if my life depends on it. Because it does. And yours does too.

Backside of the Betrayal Story

Marie Monville — Fri, 07 Aug 2020 19:55:57 +0000

Betrayed. Stabbed in the back. Sold out by the ones who were supposed to protect us. Used. Maybe those words conjure up personal feelings and images from your life. I think we all experience forms of betrayal. In those moments though, it’s easy to feel like we’re the only ones. However, Joseph knew these concepts in a way that I can’t begin to understand. (In case you missed my last couple posts, he was sold into slavery by his older brothers.) I can’t imagine the sense of loss that he felt. He was just a teenage boy, and probably had no idea that their feelings ran so deep. As he walked to Egypt, tied to the caravan, he must have felt the weight upon his shoulders. He had no way to contact his father, no ability to fight for himself, and most likely, no hope of freedom.

Joseph’s betrayal

Joseph didn’t do anything to cause his circumstances. Well, maybe he was a little cocky or arrogant. The Bible doesn’t say, but I can only imagine that a teenage boy, who knew he was the favorite, wasn’t humble or gracious with his older brothers. We read in Genesis 37 that his father often sent him out to check up on his brothers, and, as usual, he brought back a bad report. He was a tattle-tail. I think we can imagine how well that went. I can picture them sitting around the dinner table, the brothers are happy to be home and ready to enjoy a delicious meal. They are tired and hungry. Sleeping under the stars with the sheep isn’t glamorous or comfortable, and cooking over an open fire doesn’t offer much variety day in and day out.

Jacob (Joseph’s father) looks around at the boys, who are waiting for an encouraging word from their dad. Every child (no matter what age) wants to hear that they made their father proud. But instead of affirmations, discouragement follows. For the millionth time in a row. “Joseph, tell me, did your brothers do a good job tending the sheep this week?” Joseph remembers the way they treated him. He hasn’t forgotten their taunts and jabs. This is his moment to tell his father the truth. “No father, they slept all night without assigning anyone to watch the sheep. I know you’ve told them that it is dangerous and wrong, but they did it again.” The brothers’ faces turn bright red, Joseph embellished the story, and before they knew it, they were all in trouble. After dinner, their conversation, out of earshot of their father and Joseph went something like this: “Why can’t he love us just a fraction of the way he loves Joseph? It wouldn’t matter what we did, it still wouldn’t be good enough. Life would be so much easier without the tattle-tail. Our father would finally appreciate us, and we wouldn’t get in trouble because of the words of that little brat.”

When I read Joseph’s story, it’s easy to put myself in his shoes, to think about the times I’ve been betrayed. I don’t want to identify with the actions of the brothers. However, at that moment, when I’m thinking through ALL of it, I understand the circumstances a little better. I see their brokenness. It doesn’t justify their actions, but I see their pain. And that enables me to understand the brokenness in my world a little better too. It’s natural to want healing for myself and punishment for the ones who broke me, but it doesn’t make it right. While we are all accountable for our actions, we all need healing. As I allow the scene in Joseph’s home to settle in my heart, I feel compassion for the wounds inside his brothers’ hearts. This helps me to see those who have broken me differently. Yes, they are still accountable for their betrayal, and yes, they have forever destroyed the bonds of trust we once had, but they need healing too.